When you said “I do”, you probably hoped marriage would be as smooth and harmonious as a prize-winning waltz. People tend to forget the hours, weeks, months, and YEARS of purposeful practice required.

Visions of “happily ever after” floated through your mind’s eye, as you held your beloved’s hands and proudly recited heartfelt vows. Those vows would bind you together for a lifetime, as perpetual partners in the married dance.

You EXPECTED this “Married Dance”…

Your REALITY is this dance…

You DREAM of dancing like this after 50 years of sweet & sexy marriage…

CHANCES ARE… you’ve had some trouble learning the steps of the conjugal choreography. You may have even lost your rose-colored glasses, and discovered that your partner isn’t the Fred Astaire you thought he was.

Then your bank account shrinks, and your dancing shoes squeeze your toes. All of the sudden, you’re one step away from ripping those too-snug shoes off your feet, flinging them across the room, and giving up the dance altogether!

The stresses and rigors of life’s endless responsibilities often interfere with the joys of intimacy and connection in marriage.

But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love. 1 John 4:8

Luckily, our God, who is love (1 John 4:8), gently prods, encourages, and exhorts us to source affection from Him. Open your Bible, meditate on your Creator’s wisdom, and implement his instructions as he patiently guides your steps in the married dance.

The Dance: Take the Lead or Learn How to Follow

Someone has to “wear the pants” in the family. As pastor Voddie Baucham says, “anything with two heads is a monster”. Leadership is a heavy responsibility, not a bestowed position for authoritarian dominance. Biblical leadership is about SERVING as Christ served and honored the Church.

 In God’s sovereign design (and in traditional ballroom dancing)  the man takes the lead. 

²² For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. ²³ For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. ²⁴ As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything. Ephesians 5:22-24

Some women might think, “but that’s so unfair!”. Let me remind you that being the follower doesn’t mean you are “less” than the leader. 

In a ballroom dancing competition, both “leader” and “follower” are equally important. If they win the gold, they win it together. 

Marriage = Leading AND Following (with 3 Biblical Reasons)

God designed marriage as a “lead and follow” partnership for three reasons:

Reason #1: This design imitates the authority of Christ over the church, His bride.

For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. Ephesians 5:23

Reason #2: If no one leads, there is no order and organization. A team can’t get things done.

When people do not accept divine guidance, they run wild. But whoever obeys the law is joyful. Proverbs 29:18

Reason #3: Each spouse has a specific role to fill. Each role is as important as the other. 

In the Married Dance… You Trip, Fall & Step on Toes!

Learn to accept your spouse’s flaws along with his virtues. Easy enough right? (IF ONLY!!!!)

How in the world can you actually do that? Try these tips from God’s Word:

Recognize your own flaws! You are less likely to constantly point out your beloved’s blemishes when you take a gander in the mirror yourself.

¹ “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. ² For you will be treated as you treat others. The standard you use in judging is the standard by which you will be judged.

³ “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? ⁴ How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? ⁵ Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.
Matthew 7:1-5

Keep a list of (yes, an actual list) of your spouse’s virtues. Read them when you catch yourself thinking negatively about him/her. This will help erase mental lists of flaws.

Forgive your spouse DAILY, without limits.

²¹ Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” ²² “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven! Matthew 18:21-22

Forget the ways your spouse has hurt or annoyed you the way God forgets your sins.

He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west. Psalms 103:12)

Remind yourself that YOU chose your spouse, and ask yourself this question: Why did I choose to marry my spouse? 

Remember that you cannot change your spouse’s nature, but there is someone who can: The Holy Spirit! Train yourself to PRAY when frustrated with your partner, instead of complaining or nagging. The work that God can do will be much more thorough than the “changes” you might force your spouse to make because he/she is tired of being pestered. 

The Married Dance Choreography: 4 Dance Steps

Master the choreography without stepping on toes (…too often)

The first years of marriage are like learning the first steps of a new dance. 

It’s unfamiliar, exciting, and nerve-wracking at the same time. Even some of the most “prepared” couples end up stepping on each other’s toes and bruising their ankles while adjusting to married life! 

However, you can conquer the choreography with a few simple steps:

Dance Step #1: Listen to your instructor (Spoiler Alert… this is Jesus!)

Consider God your dance teacher. He has written a whole book (the Bible) of instructions. Those who take His advice will find it much easier to adapt to the married dance. 

But don’t just listen to God’s word. You must do what it says. Otherwise, you are only fooling yourselves. James 1:22

Talk to God on a daily basis. Ask him for help in your marriage. Run to him when you struggle, and read His Word to prevent stepping on your partner’s toes too often! 

Secular marriage counseling and marriage self-help books may help many couples. However, your ultimate source of wisdom should be your Creator. When you understand that He longs for you to draw from his fountain of love, the waters of affection and unconditional devotion will flow through you and to your spouse. 

Dance Step #2: Keep your expectations in check. (Pobody’s nerfect!)

Some newbie couples step onto the dance floor expecting to prance around as expertly as couples they’ve seen on “Dancing with the Stars”. When these couples get married, the wife expects a perfect prince charming; the husband expects a splendid Cinderella. 

The reality? Pobody’s nerfect, as the saying goes. We are all sinners.  Any redeeming qualities we have are thanks to God’s mercy! 

All People are Sinners.⁹ Well then, should we conclude that we Jews are better than others? No, not at all, for we have already shown that all people, whether Jews or Gentiles, are under the power of sin. ¹⁰ As the Scriptures say,

“No one is righteous —
    not even one.
¹¹ No one is truly wise;
    no one is seeking God.
¹² All have turned away;
    all have become useless.
No one does good,
    not a single one.”
¹³ “Their talk is foul, like the stench from an open grave.
    Their tongues are filled with lies.”
“Snake venom drips from their lips.”
¹⁴ “Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.”
¹⁵ “They rush to commit murder.
¹⁶ Destruction and misery always follow them.
¹⁷ They don’t know where to find peace.”
¹⁸ “They have no fear of God at all.”

Romans 3:9-18

Dance Step #3: Take that first step.

Take that first step, whether it’s signing marriage documents, heading to counseling, or pledging to start treating your spouse with love and respect. An old Chinese proverb says, “the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” In other words, great things commence with simple beginnings. Dancers cannot master the choreography without staging a first rehearsal. 

Of course, dance rehearsals aren’t as diverting and exciting as shows or competitions. The process of making changes in your marriage can be tedious, too. However, focusing on your goal, a happy, healthy marriage, will help you take that first step. In addition, you should:

• Choose determination over procrastination. Want to revive the romance or heal the wounds in your marriage? Start today– not tomorrow! 
• Define achievable goals. What do you want to accomplish in your marriage in one month? In one year? Make your goals realistic and clear. For example: “By one month, I want my spouse and I to have established a habit of chatting for at least 10 minutes before we go to bed”, or “I want to achieve 1 week of praying for my spouse instead of nagging when I’m frustrated.” 
• Be the FIRST to make a move. If your spouse doesn’t take the initiative to make changes in your marriage, take the first step yourself! The Bible is clear that godly conduct can “win over” a reluctant spouse

In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over 2 by observing your pure and reverent lives.1 Peter 1-2

Dance Step #4: Keep your chin up.

You may have heard dancers should not look down while waltzing around the dance floor. Looking at her feet shows that a dancer is concentrating too much on the steps. It’s obvious to everyone in the room that she hasn’t learned them like she should. It makes her look unconfident, mopey, and downright ridiculous! 

Keeping your chin up is important in marriage,too. Staying positive and finding contentment can make all the difference between mastering the married dance or giving up halfway through. 

How can you be content and confident even when you feel like you have two left feet?

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. 2 Timothy 1:7

2 Timothy 1:7 reminds us that our confidence flows from our Creator. He understands our struggles, and does not intend for us to muddle through marriage alone. If the shepherd boy David could defeat a giant, and the insignificant orphaned Esther could become queen and save her nation, you can not only salvage, but savor your marriage with God’s help.

Synchronize Your Movements & Connect Romantically

While dancing, each partner should pay attention to the other’s movements. It takes two to tango, and it takes two observant, patient spouses to make a happy marriage. 

How can you keep your marriage “in step” and on track?

• Rev up the romance! Dancing is all about connection. Keep romance alive by paying attention to your spouses “movements”. What is his/her love language? How does he/she like to be touched? What makes your spouse smile or laugh? 
• Set aside communication time each day. Get in sync by sharing your thoughts, ideas, and frustrations with your spouse. 
• Dance. Yes, actually dance! Get playful, silly, and crazy in the privacy of your bedroom. Dancing can lead to arousal, and arousal leads to…well you know. 
• Make time for “horizontal” dancing. While we’re on the subject of arousal, it’s important to add that sexual intimacy is essential for a happy marriage.

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5

Adjust Pacing & Be a Helpful Partner for “Marriage Dancing”

Sometimes, the married dance turns into the married hobble. One spouse gets discouraged, sick, or bogged down in the mud of sin. It’s hard to dance through mud, so adjust the pace. 

Remember your vows. You have pledged to stick by your spouse during the good and bad seasons of life. So when times get tough, keep on dancing! Help your partner when he stumbles or struggles with a step while attempting the married dance. 

Gary Chapman, in his book The Four Seasons of Marriage, describes the “fall” season of marriage as a time when couples are “aware that things aren’t right.” 

Somewhere along the way, someone has mistepped, and the married dancers are out of sync. Fall turns into winter, and a couple’s connection grows cold. However, winter doesn’t mean the end of a marriage. God can use difficult times to help couples learn and grow. 

Next Step Actions in the Married Dance

Conversation Starters to Help You Learn, Listen, Grow, Love & Serve

Help each other get through the “winter” together by asking these questions:

1. How can you best encourage your spouse to “keep on dancing” when times get tough? 
2. Is there something you can do to love sacrificially and put your spouse’s needs before your own?
3. Are you so focused on the bitterness of winter that you forget that spring will eventually come?
4. Have you taken some time to ask God for help, and to shower “spring rain” on the dry soil of your hearts?

Oh, that we might know the Lord!
Let us press on to know him.
He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of dawn
or the coming of rains in early spring.”
Hosea 6:3